Sunday, November 8, 2015

I've Been Destroying Myself Through the Lies I've Believed.

WARNING: I am going to be a bit gutzy honest and very vulnerable throughout this post.

I have allowed myself to live for FAR to long believing so many lies that the truth is almost incomprehensible to me. Tonight I was kind of at my wit's end. I decieded that it was time I did something about it. I went down stairs with sticky notes, my Bible, my tablet and my Lies Young Women Believe book. I started writing down every lie I could think of that I consciously knew I was believing and then I stuck them on the wall in front of me. It was hard to face that wall. I almost cry still looking at the lies I've allowed to control and interally destroy me. I went one by one and found verses that destroyed each lie and wrote a scripture verse over every post-it.

John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
This was my key start verse. I want to feel truly free. I'm tired of believing lies that will only bind and destroy. 
I am gonna go over each lie. My hope in posting this is that it can give somebody that needs it courage to cry out to God to help break lies that they are believing as well. I don't do this to get "glory" from this post. I just want it to be a tool to help others.

LIE:God is going to take away everything I enjoy
Jeremiah 29:11 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
This was a two-fold fear for me. Part of it was sin that I enjoyed that I knew I needed to get rid of and the other was exactly how it sounds. I was afraid that EVERYTHING I enjoyed God would not be happy with and I would have to give up sooner or later. I am starting to realize that God gave me certain likes and desires so that he can use me through them. If that makes sense. God want to completes his work in me using those likes and desires. 

LIE: God couldn't care less about me
John 3:16 " For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life" (ESV)
If you haven't noticed yet I picked common verses. Everyone knows these verses. Have we allowed the fact that we know them so well water down the immense truth these verses carry?
I let myself believe for years that God couldn't care less about me but this verse is so plain. He gave his SON FOR ME!! FOR YOU!! Let that actually sink in! You are allowing yourself to believe this lie on what grounds? He died for you, He forgives every grevence you did against him and has a place prepared for you in heaven yet... he doesn't care about you.... yea keep trying to convince yourself that (sarcasm).

LIE: I can't do anything Right
Phil 4:13 " I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (ESV)
I've believed this one for years. I have allowed my failures to drown out my success and have tried relying on my own strength. That's too exhausting y'all! Yea you are gonna fail but raising above those failures and trying again builds so much character. This is literally my favorite verse. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes." Yea you are gonna fall. That's a given but don't let it get you down! Raise again and rely on God. 

LIE: The Bible screams confusion
Psalms 18:30 "This God, his way is perfect;the word of the Lord proves true, he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
This one has kept me from reading my Bible for way to long. I know the root of this lie. I went to a Baptist school and a Mennonite church and they would use the same and different verses to contradict each other or so it seemed to me at the time. I avoided reading my bible for a very long time because I couldn't get over that lie and I still struggle with it. But tonight I choose to believe this verse that what the Bible says is true and holy and the absolute word of God.  

LIE: I need a Boyfriend to be fully satisfied and happy
Psalms 107:9 "For he satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul he fills with good things."
 I have watched to many dramas and read to many romance books that have bred this idea deeply into my brain. Moms be careful how much you let your young daughters read romance novels, even christian ones. They so often portray a girl's life as dull and miserable until Mr. Perfect shows up and makes everything better and everything is then a breeze. I'll be honest I am not sure I can date until I have fully understood the concept of the verse above. I want to be able to say that I am fully satisfied with Christ so that when I do enter into a serious relationship, I am not expecting him to be the answer to all my problems and to be my all in all, that these unrealistic stories have convinced me of.

LIE: I could never be the kind of woman the kind of man I want needs. 
Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
I think a lot girls can relate with my on this one. I want a truly God committed man that will be a spiritual leader in our home. I think there is truth in the fact that I am not at that place yet where I can be the kind of spiritual support that a wife should be for her husband but it's time I cut the lie that I could never be.  With God's strength and direction I can. I will not be perfect but with God's strength I will can be a strong and faithful faith who will support her husband is anyway possible. 

LIE: God isn't real
Genesis 1:1a" In the Beginning God....." 
I am truly ashamed that I struggle with this one because of every way he has showed himself true to me. I KNOW GOD IS REAL. I KNOW HE EXISTS AND CARES. So why do I live so often like he doesn't? In the beginning God... I choose to believe that. I choose to forsake the devil's lie that God is a man made fiction story! MY GOD IS REAL!

LIE: I have to act like I have everything together.
2 Corin 12:9 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
I am Christian, I am a pastor's daughter, I am a professing christian of over 10 years. I need to be perfect and without fault right? No.... no I am human.. I am a sinner. I lie, I lust, I struggled with porn as a young teenager, I'm not perfect. I am not God. I am a sinner saved by the merciful grace of God. I don't need to be perfect. That's not our job. You are gonna stress yourself out just like I did and you will never achieve perfection. The only thing you will get is weary and a fake mask keeping all who care out.  Be vulnerable, it's okay and it can bring great healing.

LIE: I am undesirable because I am not "skinny"
LIE: I should be ashamed of who I am 
LIE:I am not worth anything
Pslams 139:14 "
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Girl's you all know what I am talking about. We see all the media telling us that only skinny girls are beautiful and we see the guys all flocking around the skinny girl and we allow ourselves to believe that we are ugly and undesirable. We allow ourselves to spit in the face our creator. We tell him You are a horrible designer! Why couldn't you have made me with smaller hips or have made me shorter or taller. You have no idea how to make a beautiful creation. We slap him in the face. We are so obsessed with selfies and makeup and our weights and mirrors that we miss the fact that we were each created unique and special. We are peculiar treasures designed by God. Can you grasp that amazing fact! read that verse again. I am fearfully and wonderfully made!! I AM! THANK YOU JESUS! Lord help us finally believe this and know this in our hearts!

LIE: I can't Overcome my downfalls, my sins
Romans 6:6-7 "We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin."
1 Corinth 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
 I will admit upfront that I sins I feel trapped in. That I can not let go. I have believed for far to long that I can't overcome it. If I am honest with myself I have struggled with not really wanting to over come them. I was satisfied with my sin even though it left me completely empty and miserable. I halfheartedly tried to stop but you know what with God's help I can overcome!! Will it be hard? Duh! Will I be tempted again? Hundreds of times. But it's not impossible to overcome. Don't allow yourself to believe that! Stop your sin, Ask for help, Persevere and OVERCOME

LIE: My disability keeps my from a relationship with God
Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." 
Y'all all know that I have ADHD pretty bad. I can't concentrate and that affects my prayer life a lot. But I have been using that as an excuse and I am done. I can do all things with the Lord's strength!!! 

LIE: God doesn't care about my dreams
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
This lie got debunked very hard this year. I wanted an exchange student a lot and God worked out every detail so that she could come and y'all also know I like Korea a lot and want to go REALLY bad! God has handed me a free trip to Korea. After all the doubt I've cast on him. He cared about my dreams and my desires. To say that I don't feel worthy of these enormous blessings is a HUGE understatement. I also believe that God has given you certain desires and will use them in you to complete his work! God cares about your dreams and has great plans for you! I promise!

LIE: If I wasn't Mennonite people would accept me more   
Matthew 10:32-39 "So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, 33 but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven. 34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
 I HATE standing out, being different, being considered weird or odd. This is more a sacrifice I need to be willing to make for my Jesus. He died for me, Isn't this the very least I could do?? I will honestly admit I struggle very much with being Mennonite. I get very insecure around not Mennonites. You know what though, If someone can't accept me because I dress modest and respect my Lord's commands by wearing a veil then I guess that is their issue they will have to take up with the Lord. I will consciously choose to show Christ by following his commands and obviously following Christ and I will do it proudly! Honestly Its an honor to represent our Lord!

LIE: I have to earn my salvation
LIE: I am not gonna make it to heaven
LIE: God doesn't love me because I always disappoint him.
John 3:16“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
 I'll admit that I still struggle with thinking that I have to perform to be loved by God and others. I struggle with truly accepting his free gift. I think I HAVE to be perfect or He could never love me or forgive me. I forget that being perfect ain't my job. But I don't have to be.. God's Grace is sufficient for me and his gift of salvation is a free gift. 

LIE: God has a hammer ready to hit me if i ever make a mistake or sin. 
Ephesians 4:7 "But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift."
Comprehending God's truly AMAZING grace is so difficult for me. God is a loving and gracious God. Someone once told me to picture him as a parent. Sure when their child is misbehaving they are disappointing but they still love that child unconditionally!
LIE: I won't like the man that God has picked out for me. 
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
I'll be honest I almost didn't include this one but I decided that a lie as stupid as this one needed debunked. I know this ties in with the lie that I am not worth anything. I have struggled with thinking that I will never get the kind of man I desire and I will have to "settle" for something less than that. Ok this can go in many ways. I am by no means saying that I want a PERFECT husband. I am just throwing it out there. God knows who you need and who you will mesh the best with and also what the desires of your heart are! Let him guide you and trust him. 

Those are the lies I put on my wall and allowed God's truth to debunk! I know that this isn't the end of those lies but I at least am armed with truth to destroy those lies that want to destroy me from the inside out. I hope that I may have helped out someone reading this as well. I encourage y'all to do the same and thanks for letting me sort through my thoughts this way! 

John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

College: The Fears

Um.... Wow. I just did that! I applied to start college. The goal: To get a degree that helps me end up teaching English in Korea. The annoying part is I should be so excited but instead.. I am terrified!! I have so many questions and fears running through my head.
What if this isn't what God wants for me?
I'm afraid to be tied down to this for 4+ years!
What if I drop out half way through?
What if I get drowned in debt?
What if I get to Korea and find out I don't even like it over there and my dream was only a child's rose colored fairy tale?
What if I get married before I make it to Korea and all that college time and money was wasted and then my bills would only be a burden on my husband?
What if I miss what God really wants me to do in life by following this dream?
What if I am wasting my time?
If this isn't what God wants me to do can I humble myself enough to give up this dream?
I've lived in the I'll get married and "live off my husband" mindset to long to be perfectly honest as I'm trying to get out of that mindset and figure out the path of life set before me.. I'm terrified. I just want to slip back into the ten year old me who always escapes into the wonderful world of books. The real world is scary and beyond confusing. But more than anything I want to Grow Up and be respectable and make someone proud of me and not be a disappointment. I want to be hardworking and successful and skillfully use the talents God's given me in the best way possible. In the 3 years since I graduated I feel like I have done nothing and it has about driven me insane I'm ready to have another goal in life to work towards something again. My graduation day was one of the happiest days I remember! I made it! I succeeded. I overcame my ADHD! I prevailed against all the obstacles and I EARNED that Diploma!
Anyway. Thanks for letting me ramble and get my thoughts together. As I was writing this I had a lot of time to think about it all and whereas I am scared and worried, I am also incredibly excited as well! Hopefully if I can get everything in order I will start HACC in the Spring 2015 Semester!! I will get as much done there as possible and then hopefully transfer to Millersville and finish out my Bachelors there! :) Prayers appreciated!! This is a big step for me!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Life Decisions

Life decision are so hard and weighty! Topic of choice tonight: career. So many of you know I ADORE kids and I have often fantasizes about my dream job and really it always came back to being a nanny. I mean imagine being able to hang out and take care of children all day and be able to call that work! It's hard to comprehend! I have been applying for many jobs on a sight called for the past 3 months. I actually got an interview. But suddenly all these fears hit. Is a nanny job Even stable enough? What happens when the kids go back to school? And so many more! Ok I will say I am hugely blessed to have a job at Hobby Lobby. They are an amazing company! And my looking elsewhere is in no means because they treat me badly or anything. It's just if I have a chance to have a job I truly love! That I wake up in the morning excited for. That I would be heart wrenched to leave. Why not take a shot at it. So I finally heard back from a lady and I have an interview with her today and I am soooo nervous! But I know God has this all under control whether it's a yes or a no. So I think this is a big long drawn out prayer request. And if anyone has any advice please pipe up! I need all the support I can get! Love y'all! {TGBATG} Bethany

Monday, April 28, 2014

Prayer Request

Ok I will Admit I am not much of A blogger but I LOVE writing (if I am writing by my own rules) and I kind of have a prayer request on my heart tonight. I am very seriously thinking about going to EBI (3rd term) (6 weeks) and Igo (2nd Semester) (4 months) all in the same year (2015) and I realize that this is a big decision especially because of cost and the fact that I am still paying of my new car and I don't have the most lucrative job on the planet. Which leads to another dilemma, there is probably in no way possible for me to keep my job and go to both of these schools. I don't know. I just have all these questions flying around in my head. I have always wanted to go to bible school and it has also been my dream since 3rd grade to go to Asia (particularly Thailand and Korea). Which leads to the biggest question. Is it God's will for my to spend 2015 at EBI and Igo because that is really all that matters is glorifying my Savior. So all that in saying I wouldn't mind your prayers as I explore these options. thanks Everyone!

Friday, July 6, 2012

A few pics that correspond with the blog

The guys work project

Real Belizian food



painting the rebar

prayer walking


the awesome kids!

Kevin Richard

Davy talking to the young guys

I love how attentive they are on the pic

Alicia Sieed and I

Manwell and I



cutest little kids ever!

Davy and Manuala

Manuala and I

Playing Futbol
our crab chasing on Caye Caulker

Singing on the rooftop
Our Amazing group! All 31 of us
Caye Caulker
 Love the buildings!

Belize-Day 5 & 6 & 7

Day 5&6 (Saturday & Sunday)
  Our last day... The hardest day of all... :/ We woke up at 6 and packed up everything and put it all on the bus. We cleaned out all the rooms. We had to practice our skit before breakfast. The skit for the day was the crucifiction. The most important skit yet. This was for all the marbols. By 8 everyone was headed for our last meal at the pastors house. The cooks gave all the girls homemade seasoning that they put on their chicken. AMAZING stuff. :) Bible school started at nine that day since it was Sunday. We started out singing and then everyone moved to the school yard where we had crafts, games and snacks. I stayed with Manuala and Rivaldo's group the entire time. I had a blast! I got to hand out beads for salvation message bracelets and play flying dutchmen. I received many goodbye presents that I will forever cherish. After all the groups went through the stations we had the play. It went fantastic up until James (who was playing Jesus) was about to say "father forgive them." A snake came literally out of nowhere and caused an uproar which was quickly squelched when Jason promptly squished it! The play was still a success. So many kids were there and even the big bad guys showed up on their bikes and before we left I got an opportunity to talk to some of them. When the invitation was given Manuala accepted Christ as her Saviour! YAY :):):) Then everyone joined hands and sang We've got the Power. Let me tell you that was one big circle! Then seemingly before it had even started it was over! Goodbyes were hurried because we had to make the water taxi in time. Sieed and Manwell didn't come. That was really hard because they had promised they would. At 10:45 we were rolling out. It was all I could do to keep from tearing up. We ate lunch on the bus needless to say i wasn't very hungry but I ate it all because I knew I would need the energy for the rest of the day. The guys soon cheered us up by singing any song we requested if they knew it.  Admittedly, they were pretty good! We did catch the water taxi to Caye Caulker on time thankfully and it was about a 45 min ride out there. The hotel that we stayed at was 2 min walk from the beach and it was pure luxury! Beds, AC, running water, etc. apparently Thirst Missions has the hotel booked for 2 months! We quickly changed for snorkeling and went and got sized up for our gear. The boat ride out to the barrier reef was amazing! Ok before this trip I was terrified of the ocean! So to jump out of the boat was a big thing but man did i have a blast once I did! Apparently this is the 2nd greatest barrier reef in the world! I saw so many fish and beautiful coral and the best yet was I swan with sharks!! They were literally like inches away. Us girls only saw 2 while the guys apparently swam with like 15. We also swam with sting rays. Awesome creatures. They would swim right under you. We even go to touch them! They are gooey. :) After cleaning up we ate supper at a buffet called Happy Crab or something like that. Then it was off to explore the island (which is relatively small but absolutely beautiful), chase crabs, shop for souvenirs, almost get lost, break soda bottles while trying to open them, and discuss whether laundry mat and laundromat were the same thing and whether it was one word or two! At 8:30 we went on the roof of our hotel and sang songs and shared how we saw God work in each member of the group that week. It lasted like 2 hours but it was worth every second. All in all it was a hard/great/amazing day. 

  The next morning we went to catch the water taxi at 9 but it didnt come till 9:45 so we took pictures, talked and some of the guys swam. We actually ended up missing our flight so its costing us $7500 since we had to transfer flights. More fundraisers! We waited like 3 hours and caught the next flight at 2:30 and arrived in Miami at 4:30 Belize time, 6:30 our time. we had a 4 hour layover there and caught our flight home at 10:45. We arrived at Reagan, dc about 1:30 am Tuesday morning, got our stuff and went home! I didn't reach home till about 4 am. So there ya go our awesome week! 

Belize-Day 5

Day 5 (Saturday) 
Today was a bit more relaxing. The guys had to wake up at 6 to pour the cement that didn't come till like 8:30 :) Flexibility is key. ;) A few of them learned how to sleep on church benches. Us girls woke up at around  8. Alicia and Marybeth woke Krista up by dog-piling on her. Quite amusing to watch actually. There was a nice breeze going all day although at times the skies would sprinkle a little rain here and there. Once again we were painting in the morning but to throw a twist on things we had to paint the rebar from the inside of the church so we had to reach through the wooden windows to the rebar. :) But we successfully got that finished up and a few of us got to watch some of the church men that had been helping pour cement jam out up front. This little church had a drum set, a keyboard, an electric guitar and a bass guitar and 2 huge speakers. And for some reason they loved turning the bass way up! I soon learned why the whole congregation sits in the way back of the church! As I sat there watching them i realized in less than 24 hours we will have left this small village of August Pine Ridge. I started to dread leaving! Relationships were just starting to form and become strong and we would just have to up and leave them with little chance of furthered communication since none of them have address. At least they have Pastor Fernandez and his church family. I sincerely pray that some of the kids with find hope and love there. After lunch we prayer walked again but this time there were no surprises! I wasn't in that day's play so it wasn't necessary for me to attend practice so packed up awhile and got a chance to talk with Kelly and Austin and practice my spanish on little Wendy and Angel. Bible school's skit for the day was Daniel in the Lions den with the theme of God protects. I got to introduce the Skits and then wandered around just taking pics and watching the kids. Afterwards The guys played one last game of Futbol with the kids. Needless to say we lost once again. But our guys played amazingly! We almost had them that time! We invited all the guys to come to the church service that night and especially to the last vbs on Sunday morning. We attended church that night. Apparently at the end of every month they have a time of testimonies. I sat right in front of the speakers. STUPID THING TO DO! But I had Wendy and Angel on either side of me so I lived. It was mostly Spanish singing. Someone would come up and say something like "I am thankful for the health God has given me" and then they would sing a song in espanol. At one point I looked out the side door and there Rivaldo was peering in and watching, when i waved at him to come in he shook his head. At the end of the service the church gave every last one of us a souvenir/gift. It really seems that the major love language down here is giving. Everyday I had something given to me whether it was a pack of spice or a set of earrings. I never knew what to expect. Then the  pastor asked whomever in the congregation who wanted us to come back to please raise their hand. Almost every hand went up and my heart broke! I wanna come back! When we headed back to our rooms I realized that some of the guys that had been playing futbol had sat outside the church and watched us the entire time. Jacob, one of the guys, told me he was gonna sleep there the entire night. :) We still didn't have water that night so a bunch of us learned how to take bucket showers! Then we packed up everything that we could.