Tuesday, October 20, 2015

College: The Fears

Um.... Wow. I just did that! I applied to start college. The goal: To get a degree that helps me end up teaching English in Korea. The annoying part is I should be so excited but instead.. I am terrified!! I have so many questions and fears running through my head.
What if this isn't what God wants for me?
I'm afraid to be tied down to this for 4+ years!
What if I drop out half way through?
What if I get drowned in debt?
What if I get to Korea and find out I don't even like it over there and my dream was only a child's rose colored fairy tale?
What if I get married before I make it to Korea and all that college time and money was wasted and then my bills would only be a burden on my husband?
What if I miss what God really wants me to do in life by following this dream?
What if I am wasting my time?
If this isn't what God wants me to do can I humble myself enough to give up this dream?
I've lived in the I'll get married and "live off my husband" mindset to long to be perfectly honest as I'm trying to get out of that mindset and figure out the path of life set before me.. I'm terrified. I just want to slip back into the ten year old me who always escapes into the wonderful world of books. The real world is scary and beyond confusing. But more than anything I want to Grow Up and be respectable and make someone proud of me and not be a disappointment. I want to be hardworking and successful and skillfully use the talents God's given me in the best way possible. In the 3 years since I graduated I feel like I have done nothing and it has about driven me insane I'm ready to have another goal in life to work towards something again. My graduation day was one of the happiest days I remember! I made it! I succeeded. I overcame my ADHD! I prevailed against all the obstacles and I EARNED that Diploma!
Anyway. Thanks for letting me ramble and get my thoughts together. As I was writing this I had a lot of time to think about it all and whereas I am scared and worried, I am also incredibly excited as well! Hopefully if I can get everything in order I will start HACC in the Spring 2015 Semester!! I will get as much done there as possible and then hopefully transfer to Millersville and finish out my Bachelors there! :) Prayers appreciated!! This is a big step for me!